Deliberate Practice – Growing as a Parent
When Malcom Gladwell wrote Outliers, he popularized the notion that mastery in something comes after practicing it 10,000 hours. This seemed to support the idea that just doing something enough times creates positive growth, and if we could all just do something enough times, we would all be amazing at it. If only this were the thing we needed…
Instead, Anders Ericsson, the researcher behind this number, says that experts are made, not born, through deliberate practice – sustained, consistent practice with mentors and coaches. In other words, we need to practice the things we don’t do very well, and we need to have others who do these things well to help us.
This is all well and good for learning a musical instrument or growing in a new field, but how does deliberate practice look for families and parents?
While parenting may not come with a manual, it does come with a mountain of expectations and familial and social scripts. Many parents when they find out they are expecting read all of the books, but then once that child arrives, much of that information goes out the window.
So, how do we get better?
Here are a few tips on becoming an “expert” parent for your child through deliberate practice:
1. Grow intentionally- Part of deliberate practice is improving what you can’t do well. It requires intentionally working on a weakness and building up that weakness. Take an inventory of your skills, and intentionally choose an area to improve.
As parents, we are always in new situations that we may not have handled right. Look at these moments and figure out what you would like to improve – and then set an intention to practice this. Maybe, you need to take a breath before responding to your teen’s snarky comment. Maybe, you need to get better at giving your five-year-old better options. Growth requires intention.
2. Change familial or social scripts- If you read our blog on this topic, you know that familial and social scripts can also build parenting practices that aren’t always beneficial for our kids. It’s like learning a bad lifting form and then having to spend a lot of time and energy unlearning it so that you don’t hurt yourself later.
Changing these scripts can be difficult, but the reward is well worth it. To grow intentionally, we have to also acknowledge what habits or practices we have that may be holding us back.
3. Find trusted mentors- One part of deliberate practice is reaching out to expert mentors and coaches. For parents, these experts can take a wide variety of forms. As you discover which areas you want to practice, find parent support groups that focus on the topic. For example, parent groups for parents of teens of twice-exceptional children will offer different perspectives and areas for growth and development.
Join discussions given by groups that bring in experts. (Shameless plug – here at Young Scholars Academy, we bring in experts for our enrolled families.) Take advantage of these opportunities to ask questions and get feedback. For difficult areas of growth (like intractable familial scripts), reach out to trained professionals like Debbie Reber’s Differently Wired Club.
4. Take the time you need- Even if we use the somewhat arbitrary 10,000 hours to determine if we’ve reached our expert level, that would still be 10 years of deliberately practicing at least 2 hours a day. Just being a parent doesn’t mean we are intentionally growing as a parent.
We have to really work at being better all of the time. And, for some crazy reason, our kids keep growing and changing. Just when we get one stage figured out, they are in a whole new growth stage, and we have to learn it all over again. You will get better at learning and adapting as you practice. This doesn’t mean it will be easy, but you can do it.
Parenting is hard and can be exhausting, so don’t feel like you need to have it all figured out all of the time.
We learn from other parents who have gone through a similar process, and we support parents who are going through something we have learned. This all happens naturally. However, we don’t have to just let things happen to us. We can set the course of our own growth by intentionally setting goals and practicing. We have a wealth of knowledge and support at our fingertips, in a way that previous generations never had.
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