PDA in Gifted + 2e Children: Understanding The Nervous System Response + Supporting Autonomy

Jun 28

Written By Marni Kammersell, Marna Wohlfeld, and Kyla Hunte

A guide for parents and educators of twice-exceptional children with Pathological Demand Avoidance/Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (PDA) profiles

As parents of gifted and twice-exceptional children, we often find ourselves navigating complex territory. Our children might grasp complex ideas far beyond their age, yet everyday tasks like brushing teeth or putting on shoes might trigger meltdowns. If you've found yourself wondering why your child seems to have an extreme resistance to even the simplest requests—especially requests to do things they actually want to do—you may be encountering PDA.

What is PDA?

PDA, originally termed Pathological Demand Avoidance but increasingly referred to as Persistent Drive for Autonomy, is characterized by an extreme resistance to everyday demands and an overwhelming need for control. For children with this profile, even activities they enjoy can become impossible if they are not able to access nervous system regulation.

PDA is considered an Autistic profile, though this understanding continues to evolve. What characterizes PDA is the intense nervous system activation and genuine threat response that triggers extreme anxiety when autonomy feels compromised.

As Kristy Forbes, a well-known PDA advocate, explains: "Anything that compromises the autonomy of that person escalates their anxiety to an extreme state, causing them to appear to be grasping for phenomenal amounts of control over people, places, and things. The truth is, we're complying with the neurobiological response to compensate for the perceived loss of control."

PDA and the Gifted/Twice-Exceptional Child

Many PDAers are gifted, making them twice-exceptional (2e)—children who are both intellectually gifted and have one or more disabilities or challenges. For these children, the typical challenges of being 2e are intensified by PDA.

The gifted 2e-PDA child lives with:

A more sensitive nervous system (common in neurodivergent, including gifted, children)
Extreme responses to perceived threats to autonomy
The pressure to "live up to potential" despite these challenges
The struggle to perform academically when they might only engage with subjects of interest
The constant mismatch between what they can conceptually understand and what they can emotionally tolerate

A UK survey by the PDA Society found that 70% of PDAers were unable to tolerate conventional schooling. This statistic highlights how profoundly PDA impacts educational experiences and emphasizes the need for alternative approaches.

Understanding PDA Through the Nervous System Lens

To effectively support children with PDA profiles, we need to understand that their behaviors stem from nervous system responses. As described by the presenters, PDA is fundamentally a nervous system disability where demands trigger a threat response.

Image Credit- Instagram of Jessica Hanzo

The Stress and Safety Wheel

Jessica Hanzo's "wheel of stress and safety" offers a helpful model for understanding PDA responses. This model shows how a PDAer's ability to engage with the world changes dramatically based on their nervous system state:

Green Zone (Safe): When feeling safe, PDAers can engage in interactive play, creativity, and learning.
Blue Zone (Initial Activation): Signs like excessive silliness or negotiation indicate rising stress.
Orange Zone (Moderate Distress): Controlling behaviors, grunting, or frustration signal increasing dysregulation.
Red Zone (Fight/Flight/Freeze): Complete shutdown, self-harm, hiding, running away, or aggression means the nervous system is in full threat response.

By recognizing where a child is on this wheel, parents and educators can adjust their approaches accordingly.

Parenting a PDA child means staying attuned to their nervous system state and responding flexibly. When a child is more regulated, it may be possible to gently introduce more expectations or explore new strategies. But as signs of dysregulation appear, it's crucial to lower demands, offer co-regulation, and focus on restoring a sense of safety. The goal isn't to push through resistance, but to build trust and recognize that capacity depends on how safe their nervous system feels in the moment.

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Best Practices for Supporting PDA Children

1. Low-Demand Approach

Reducing demands is foundational to supporting PDAers. This means prioritizing connection and safety over conventional expectations that might trigger anxiety and avoidance.

As PDA parent and advocate Amanda Diekman notes: "If I'm choosing between trust and a shower, I'm going to choose trust... My kid did not bathe for 6 months, and we're okay. The world actually doesn't end. And it was still worth it, because dropping that demand meant that we survived, we are now thriving, and they can bathe."

The low-demand approach isn't permissive parenting—it's about creating safety that allows the PDA child to engage with their environment from a regulated state rather than a threat response. It recognizes that avoidance behaviors serve a protective purpose, and that building trust and reducing anxiety takes precedence over enforcing neurotypical expectations or societal norms.

2. Declarative Language

Using matter-of-fact, descriptive language rather than commands significantly reduces threat responses.

Instead of: "Put away your game and come to dinner right now."
Try: "I've made dinner and it's on the table when you're ready."

The key is genuinely meaning it—not having a hidden demand underneath your declarative statement. The internal state of the adult matters just as much as the words used. If you're still expecting compliance while using declarative language, the child will sense that underlying demand.

Communication doesn't always need to be verbal—visual cues and non-verbal signals can sometimes be more effective and less threatening than spoken instructions.

3. Focusing on Passions and Interests

PDAers thrive when engaging with their passions and special interests. These interests:

Help regulate their nervous system
Create safety and connection
Often provide the primary avenue for learning
Allow for genuine motivation and autonomy

Special interests aren't just hobbies—they're essential regulatory tools. When a PDAer is immersed in their passion, they often experience reduced anxiety and increased capacity for social engagement and learning. These interests create a foundation of safety from which exploration and development can naturally occur.

Recognizing and Preventing Burnout

When PDAers experience high stress without sufficient accommodations over time, burnout can occur.

Signs of burnout include:

"Sticky basic needs" - increasing difficulty with eating, sleeping, hygiene, or connection
Chronic exhaustion
Heightened sensory sensitivities
Reduced executive functioning
In severe cases, self-harm or suicidal thoughts

Supporting a child through burnout requires intensifying all supportive strategies:

Taking a "no demands" approach (not just low demands)
Providing what Kristy Forbes calls "deep rest"
Experiment with removing limits on screen time
Providing foods that the child will eat, even if they aren’t always “healthy”
Addressing sensory needs as a priority
Ensuring caregiver support (you can't pour from an empty cup)

Burnout happens because of "high stress periods without enough accommodations or breaks, and the nervous system reaching a point where it just can't keep going any longer."

Recovery requires building back trust and safety in the nervous system.This healing process often takes substantial time—weeks, months, or even longer—and requires patience, consistency, and a deep commitment to honoring the PDAer's needs throughout their recovery.

Supporting 2e-PDA Children in Educational Settings

For the 70% of PDAers who struggle with conventional schools consider:

Flexible Approaches:

Project-based learning
Interest-driven curriculum
Self-directed education models
Democratic/forest schools
Homeschooling or unschooling

Supportive School Environments:

One-on-one support from a trusted adult
Flexible schedules and attendance
Priority on genuine connection with teachers
Reduced demands during difficult periods
Accommodations for autonomy needs

Alternative Paths:

Consider that traditional K-12 progression isn't the only valid path
Focus on mental health and well-being first, academics second
Trust that given safety and autonomy, learning will happen naturally

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Educational Trauma and the PDA Profile

PDAers often experience profound educational trauma in conventional settings where their autonomy needs clash with rigid structures. Many families find that reducing academic pressure allows their child's natural curiosity to resurface once demand avoidance diminishes.

Effective educational environments recognize the PDAer's need for autonomy and incorporate their interests into learning experiences. This might include negotiating assignment formats, offering choices about when and how to complete work, and offerings access to sensory safe spaces within the learning environment.

Communication between families and educators is essential—sharing strategies that work at home can help create consistency across settings. Most importantly, educational decisions should prioritize the child's emotional well-being over conformity to traditional expectations or timelines.

Moving Forward: Building Capacity Over Time

Supporting a child with PDA isn't about "giving in" or "enabling bad behavior." It's about recognizing a genuine nervous system disability and creating conditions where your child can gradually build capacity and resilience.

As Amanda Diekman shared: "Letting go of the demand isn't giving up. It's actually the best way to support them in the long run."

By prioritizing connection, reducing demands, and honoring autonomy, you create safety that allows your child's nervous system to regulate. Over time, this regulation creates space for growth, learning, and increased capacity to handle life's inevitable demands.

Remember that PDAers often excel in environments where they have control and autonomy. As Marni noted, "Many PDAers are self-employed... These kinds of children are not necessarily going to be great cog employees... they're probably going to have to find something related to their passions that they have a lot of autonomy."

By supporting their unique needs now, you're preparing them for a future where they can thrive on their own terms.

About the Authors

Marna Wohlfeld is a 2e adult and mom of four, passionate about advocating for 2e students. She is studying in the doctoral program at Bridges Graduate School and has completed training with PDA North America. Marna is the managing editor for the GHF (Gifted Homeschool Forum) Journey Newsletter and the Vice President of the GHF Board. She is also a trained SENG facilitator (Social Emotional Needs of the Gifted). She hopes to use her graduate degree to support parents and caregivers of twice-exceptional children and advocate for 2e students by creating greater understanding about the need for strength-based approaches and support for vulnerable nervous systems.

Contact Marna: marna.wohlfeld@bgs.edu

Marni Kammersell is a neurodivergent educator who helps families create empowering, neuroaffirming home and learning environments. She's passionate about the neurodiversity paradigm, self-directed education, non-coercive relationships, and understanding experiences through the lens of the nervous system. Currently pursuing her doctorate at Bridges Graduate School, Marni focuses on neurodivergence and self-directed education. She draws inspiration from her 15+ years in education in alternative settings, including homeschooling, unschooling, community education, democratic schools, and forest schools. Her greatest teachers are her three children who have never been to school.

Contact Marni: marni@wanderingbrightly.com | WanderingBrightly.com

This blog post was developed from a live presentation given by Marni Kammersell and Marna Wohlfeld to parents at Young Scholars Academy, a virtual village offering courses and camps for twice-exceptional and gifted children ages 5-18.